The Worst 16 Teams In College Football, 2017 Edition | Cigar Aficionado

    You won’t find fake news here. Welcome to the Russia-free edition of the worst 16 teams in all five college football conferences, where the only reds we care about are the redshirt rookies who can help our bad teams win a few more games. don’t expect scientific conversations either. the only proof of climate change we need is 16 overpaid coaches on the bench. do you want to talk about health? many teams will maintain their healthy records by playing against the teams on our list. so leave the youngsters at football on Saturday mornings, place your bets early and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year. Because if there’s one thing we can promise you, it’s that no amount of foreign interference will give these 16 teams a bowl victory.

    1. university of kansas

    Reading: 2016 worst college football teams

    a colorful but fraudulent magician once said: “pay no attention to that man behind the curtain”. The Kansas football team has done just that. Because no matter which intellectual coach the team has chosen to pull the levers on the Jayhawks: Turner Gill, Charlie Weis (who ultimately stopped receiving sit-at-home payments in 2016), Clint Bowen, or current head coach David Beaty: the Perennial “under construction” on the yellow brick road has put Kansas at the top of my list as the worst power five program for an unprecedented third straight season. However, for raising the team’s futility from 0-12 to 2-10 last year, coach Beaty received a lucrative contract extension that doubled his salary from $800,000 to $1.6 million (another move like this and James Dolan can hire athletic director Sheahon Zenger for the Knicks’ front office).

    This year, beaty will ask himself the existential question, “when nine starters come back from a terrible offense, will it make a difference?” Talented junior college transfer Peyton Bender may finally solidify the quarterback job for the Jayhawks. on defense, however, the apocalypse is now. most of the team’s linebackers and secondary players have enrolled off the field for slightly higher-paying jobs. That leaves junior linebacker Joe Dineen and second-year safety Mike Lee as the only starters in the defensive backfield to have dirty their shoes. we can’t say if the jayhawks football team will find the heart, brains and courage it has been looking for for the past 10 years. but with a record 41-game losing streak on the road, close your eyes, click your heels three times and say, jayhawk fans, “there’s no place like home.”

    2. purdue university

    Boilermakers fans can now rejoice that the darrell hazell era/mistake is over at purdue. Hazell showed just as much skill in selecting talent as your aunt in selecting winning powerball numbers. After going 9-33 the past three seasons, Purdue decided to bring in Jeff Brohm, who recently went 30-10 in charge of Western Kentucky. Purdue hopes that Brohm’s offensive-minded game planning can bring back the glory days of Draw Brees. but brohm may want more than a drink and a beer before sitting down to clean up the mess his predecessor left for him. david blough was the lone offensive bright spot at quarterback last season, averaging 279.3 yards through the air and throwing for 25 touchdowns. If Coach Brohm can help eliminate some of his 21 interceptions, the offense may start to see some improvements.

    Unfortunately, the team’s offensive line and receivers are as experienced in their roles as Donald Trump’s cabinet. all three starting wide receivers are gone this year. And blough could list his offensive line as a pre-existing condition, as they allowed 11 sacks in this year’s spring game. Literature majors who saw the game gave the line o an edge for its clever use of foreshadowing to illustrate impending doom this fall. across the line, opposing offenses couldn’t get to the end zone faster if they called uber. Do you know how difficult it is to give up an average of 38.2 points per game? Purdue sure does. And with their first four games against Louisville, Ohio, Missouri and Michigan, expect the Boilermakers to get off to a slower start than War and Peace.

    3. rutgers university

    how much lower can it be for new jersey? They have a governor who is more interested in arguing with Mike de Montclair about the Mets than talking to his own constituents. they have real housewives going to jail for conspiracy to commit bank fraud. And the once-proud Scarlet Knights football team lost to Big 10 rivals Ohio State, Michigan State, Michigan State and Penn State by a combined score of 224-0 last season. It’s enough to make Jimmy Hoffa spin in his grave under the MetLife Stadium end zone.

    Head coach Chris Ash appears to have cleansed the program of the scandals that have plagued it in recent years. and he’s about as good at recruiting decent talent in the state as he ever was tony soprano. But with an 0-9 conference record and a 2-10 season last year, help won’t come soon enough for a team that averaged just 15.7 points on offense and gave up 37.5 points on defense. Rutgers has hired former Minnesota head coach Jerry Kill to scare up the offense, and they’ll need him.

    rutgers averaged 100 fewer yards on offense than last season. Ash’s reputation as a defensive guru will be tested as the team loses three fifth-year starters up front. It will not be easy for the Scarlet Knights to compete with the powerful offenses of the Big Ten. With games like Ohio State at home and Michigan and Penn State away, Rutgers has a brutal schedule. but it could be worse, rutgers. It’s not like your governor is on the radio for four hours a day talking about what a terrible team they are, right?

    4. university of illinois

    you could understand the surge of optimism when lovie smith was hired to coach the fighting illini in 2016. after all, he was a former nfl defensive coordinator and head coach who had led two different teams to the super bowl . But before taking the reins in Illinois, like Mariah Carey, Smith’s ability to recruit talent peaked in the mid-’90s. There wasn’t much of a fight in an offense that finished 122nd overall (of 128 teams) and scored just 19.7 points per game. Illinois quarterbacks were slightly more accurate than Election Day polls, throwing just 13 touchdowns last season. Injury-prone quarterback Wes Lunt finally limped off the field for the last time in 2016, leaving Chayce Crouch and Jeff George Jr. fight for a job that is almost as desirable as being a North Korean travel agent. Star wide receiver Mike Dudek hopes to go through the season with two legs, after suffering a second season-ending ACL injury last year.

    On defense, the struggling Illinois somehow managed to give up 35 rushing touchdowns when not allowing opposing quarterbacks to complete more than 60 percent of their passes. With all four defensive linemen leaving the scene of that crime, Smith will have to plan with even more inexperienced players to handle the Big 10 offense. If things continue as they did last season (Illinois’ last five losses last year were by an average of 30 points), the struggling Illinois may want to resort to diplomacy rather than the battlefield. Unlike the NFL, tanking doesn’t get you the number one pick and a star quarterback. gets you fired.

    5. university of california

    There will be no more sonny days at cal, where coach sonny dykes has been replaced by former oregon and usc assistant justin wilcox. the superstar quarterback they’ve grown accustomed to having will also be missing. With Jared Goff long gone to the Los Angeles Rams and Davis Webb leaving this year to hold the clipboard for Eli Manning in New Jersey, the Golden Bears will need a new hero. But just like the battery in his iPhone, some things are irreplaceable. Wilcox hopes to bring a more balanced offensive attack this year, and it will have to be, as four inexperienced quarterbacks are fighting for that number one spot.

    More pressing for Wilcox is solidifying a defense that finished 127th, giving up an average of 42.6 points per game. The Golden Bears were slower than a freelancer’s check in the mail to stop the run, giving up more than six yards a carry. the team is switching to a 3-4, but no matter how you rearrange the deckchairs on the titanic, the ship keeps sinking. Wilcox will need some time to stabilize the mess that Sonny Dykes left behind. Be patient, all you Berkleyites. In the meantime, you might as well smoke them if you have them.

    See also: US women’s volleyball: First Olympic gold medal a foundation for future – Sports Illustrated

    6. University of Maryland

    coach d.j. Durkin made Maryland fans a little less moody last year, as he doubled the team’s wins from 3-9 in 2015 to 6-7 last year. But that improvement can be misleading when you consider that Michigan and Ohio states dispossessed the Turtles with a combined score of 121-6. the quarterback’s situation is as murky as a politician’s tax returns. North Carolina transfer Caleb Henderson and real freshman Kasim Hill looked poised to compete for the job as all other candidates failed to pass. a miniature receiving corps can make the Turtles offense a bit lacking this season.

    The news isn’t much better on defense, where Maryland’s idea of ​​stopping the run was to take the ball from the opposing runner after crossing the goal line. The Terrapins gave up nearly 2,800 yards and 31 touchdowns last season, so bringing back nine starters from the defense is like asking Deandre Jordan if he’d like to take a few more free throws. durkin has the team moving in the right direction. he brought in a top recruiting class this season, but he’ll take a while to bring these turtles up to speed.

    7. boston university

    A win in a bowl game against Maryland may have saved coach Steve Addazio’s job, but it didn’t save the Eagles from the Worst 16 list. Addazio made David Copperfield envious by pulling seven wins out of a golden helmet with the 127th offense in college football. that tends to be what happens when you don’t have a running back or wide receiver who can carry you 600-plus yards of total offense in a season. The Eagles haven’t had a solid quarterback since the 2007 BC team with Matt Ryan. Things are so bad behind center that the Jesuits are praying that redshirt rookie Anthony Brown will take over the job and become the team’s new savior.

    The defense seems to be the real miracle worker, turning the opposing offense’s plays into losses. US candidate Harold Landry, returning for his senior season, left BC fans as shocked as Hillary Clinton on November 9 last year. The Eagles have no pushovers on their non-conference schedule this year, so the road to another bowl game is paved with good intentions and plenty of bumps. Until bc’s offense improves, you can cancel your resurrection subscription.

    8. Syracuse University

    Many military strategists have long believed that the best defense is a good offense. But when he gives ground like the Syracuse Defense does, it may be time to retreat and fight another day. giving up 500+ yards and 39 points a game for too long will get everyone fired, including the outfielder. Fortunately, Coach Dino Babers has weaponized offense with an aerial attack that has made the team one more threat to try and bomb the opposition. When quarterback Eric Dungey isn’t playing a one-man version of “Survivor” behind the line of scrimmage, he has shown promise, including an upset victory over Virginia Tech.

    But defensively, the Oranges have absolutely no juice, finishing 108 against the run and 118 against the pass. Much like the high school prom, Syracuse game days begin with the promise of plenty of action, only to end in defeat and embarrassment. The 76-61 loss to Pitt last season is a perfect example of why orange is the new black and blue. there are some promising signs for this program under coach babers. there are many young and inexperienced players who will mature well over time. greatness is at least a year away. But with games against shows like Clemson and LSU this year, it’ll be a warm December day in Binghamton before Syracuse sees a bowling game.

    9. duke university

    Before last season, coach David Cutcliffe led the Blue Devils to four straight bowl games. but like the mcrib sandwich, all good things must come to an end. Last season’s 4-8 flop means Duke needs to get back into the playbooks. And as the leaves turn brown this year, so will the team’s chances of returning to another game of bowling. The problems start with a fast attack that makes Isis’s running game look high-tech: 3.89 yards per carry is what you’d get if you tripped at the line of scrimmage. it’s also what you average if you’re a duke runner. Things were so bad in the backfield last year that Daniel Jones, the team’s backup quarterback, was also their second-best running back. jones will run the offense throughout the year and try to keep the ball in the air as much as possible.

    the defense, already as questionable as deciding to go to taco bell after midnight, only returns five starters. You’ll see a lot of the Duke secondary this year as they chase opposing receivers into the end zone. And the kicking game was about as reliable as having a ticketed seat at United. Freshman AJ Reed made just three of 10 shots from the field last season. Some think that Duke’s dismal season was the result of injuries and some unfortunate losses. others think it’s cosmic payback for one of the most hated colleges in the country. however, welcome to the worst 16, duke, faster than you can spell krzyzewski.

    10. texas university of technology

    how embarrassed was coach kliff kingsbury about the red raiders’ 5-7 season last year? he wouldn’t even allow his players to wear red on campus, for fear they might be identified as a real football team. for red raiders, 70 is in fact the new 40, since that’s how many points they may need to win. The team gave up 60-plus points three times last year, including a 66-10 loss against a brutally bad Iowa State team. when you’re giving 550-plus yards and 44 points per game, let’s just say there’s a lot of room for improvement. the team brought in a series of transfers from junior colleges to improve the defense.

    On offense, Kingsbury’s high-octane passing attack will have to make do this season without star quarterback Patrick Mahomes, who was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by Kansas City. Backup Nic Shimonek will throw as much as one of Joe Girardi’s relief pitchers, especially with an offensive line that can protect as well as the Atlanta Falcons can protect a 28-3 third-quarter lead. the team also didn’t have a running back who could top 500 rushing yards last season, so running out the clock isn’t an option. everything is really bigger in texas, even the losses.

    11. iowa state university

    See also: Michigan State Spartans Football: Offense observations from spring game – The Only Colors

    matt campbell’s tenure in the state of iowa closely resembles that of his predecessors. and we mean horrible. Iowa State hasn’t won more than three games in the past four seasons, thanks to Campbell’s 3-9 record. This ties Jimmy Carter’s record of four consecutive years of futility. Mike Tyson once said that everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. For Iowa State, the blow came in the first game of the season with a loss against Little North Iowa. After a 1-8 start, the Cyclones salvaged some street credibility with a big win over Texas Tech, which may not seem all that impressive this year, given how far they’ve fallen.

    the good news for the cyclones is that they bring back a solid receiving corps led by allen lazard, a great open 12. his 69 receptions for 1,018 yards and seven touchdowns make him the only offensive threat consistent with an offensive offense. Running back Mike Warren’s production dropped faster than the price of fidget spinners, as he collected just 559 rushing yards after gaining 1,339 yards as the All-Star Freshman of the Year.

    The Cyclones defensive line loses three starters on a unit that wasn’t exactly taking opponents out of the line of scrimmage to begin with. his failure to pressure the quarterback means receivers will continue to run until they get lost in the cornfields. Like a real cyclone, Iowa’s forecast for this year remains a disaster waiting to happen.

    12. university of virginia

    coach bronco mendenhall left byu with a mission to change the virginia program. But after taking a 4-8 team and making them 2-10, Mendenhall may be reconsidering why he left his safe space in Utah. Only a token victory against Duke prevented Virginia from drawing a blank in the Acc. The Cavaliers are pinning their hopes on transferred East Carolina quarterback Kurt Benkert, who managed to throw for more than 2,500 yards and 21 TDs when he wasn’t running to save his life behind a very cavalier offensive line. /p>

    The transition from the 4-3 to the 3-4 defense was executed so poorly that special counsel Robert Mueller is investigating whether Jared Kushner was involved. With eight returning starters, Virginia hopes to prevent opponents from scoring 34 points per game like they did last season. But Mendenhall can’t do much with the limited talent he has on the roster. If he gets worse, Virginia may have to part ways with the Acc. It’s a good thing Virginia is for lovers, because you’ll definitely need something else to keep you busy on a Saturday afternoon.

    13. arizona state university

    Annually ranked among the best party schools in the country, it was time to celebrate last year when the state of Arizona got off to a 5-1 start. but there’s nothing like losing the last six games of the season to kill everyone’s ruckus. It may be a dry heat in the desert, but it doesn’t make the hot seat any more comfortable for coach Todd Graham, who finished with a 2-7 record in the Pac-12 after a promising start to the season. Phil Bennett has been hired from Baylor as defensive coordinator to solve the mystery of how you can give up 511 rushing yards in one game to your hated rival, Arizona, which happens to be the worst scoring team in the Pac-12. Bennett has to work with a defense that allowed more than 40 points in eight different games last year. Players over 40 haven’t seen this much action since visiting Key West.

    The sun devils are also on their third offensive coordinator in three years under billy napier, the former alabama wide receivers coach. Conveniently, he’ll go to work with Alabama transfer Blake Barnett at quarterback. The one bright spot on the team, kicker Zane Gonzalez, is headed to the NFL, where he’ll see plenty of long-range action as a kicker for the Cleveland Browns. it’s safe to say that without some divine intervention, the sun demons are headed for another year of hell.

    14. university of arizona

    what do you give a head coach who turns a 7-6 bowling team into a 3-9 laughing stock? Unfortunately, if it’s the Arizona Wildcats, they give it one more chance. rich rodriguez is back to answer all the big questions wildcats fans have, like why did he bench former starting quarterback anu solomon and let him transfer to baylor in favor of playing the erratic brandon dawkins ? Dawkins can certainly run the ball, but it’s hard to see the bright side when he completes just 54 percent of his passes with just eight touchdowns and six interceptions. wildcats will rely on a ground and pound offense, if the diminutive j.j. Taylor can survive the schedule. Last year, Taylor showed promise with 261 yards in four games before a season-ending injury. The Wildcats wide receiving corps continues to fall short with three starters under six feet, which will leave you six feet in the ground in today’s college game.

    On defense, the team spent enough time on the field to get sunburned thanks to an equally tiny front line. The team only has one returning linebacker in Deandre Miller, and he gets hurt more than a stripper at a cactus convention. After giving up 44.8 points per game in eight conference losses, things get worse from here for a wild team that lacks the size to compete in the Pac-12. so which one is the real arizona? Is it the bowling team rodriguez coached when he first came on the team? Or are they the pac-12 bottom dwellers we’ve seen more recently. by the looks of it, it’s the latter. any chance of seeing a bowling game for this desert team is just a mirage.

    15. michigan state university

    Flat earthers have finally found a college football team to support in the state of michigan. After a stellar 12-2 season in 2015, the Spartans sailed off the face of the planet with a disastrous 3-9 season. Given how successful trainer Mark Dantonio has been with the show, he deserves some room to browse. But when you lose at least a dozen players to transfers, suspensions, and even criminal charges, you have to wonder who runs this asylum. The Spartans hand over the keys to the offense to second-year quarterback Brian Lewerke. Although Lewerke’s season ended early last year with a broken leg, he looked good passing and even running the ball, rushing for 149 yards on 21 carries. he may need to run a little more behind an offensive line that has more holes than sonny corleone’s dead body.

    The defense loses eight starters this year, including their entire secondary. after going from a meager plus-14 in turnovers in 2015 to a very generous minus-5 last season, it looks like that negative trend will continue. Michigan State once had magic (as in Johnson), but this year opposing teams are more likely to cut them in half.

    16. vanderbilt university

    For a moment, it seemed the commodore had finally turned the ship around. After a 4-6 start to the season, the Commodores outscored Ole Miss and managed Tennessee to a 6-7 record and one bowl appearance. What if nc state gave them the worst beating since martha stewart used to make her own pie crust? Vanderbilt was making hay in the second! but like a great impressionist piece of art, the more you look at it, the more you wonder how they did it. What do Lionel Richie’s Commodores, the Commodore 64, and the Vanderbilt Commodore have in common? they are all quaint reminders of the past that have no relevance to the present. Averaging 281 yards of total offense and 18.1 yards per game, these Commodore may want to ditch the boats and build an Air Force for the 21st century. nine touchdown passes for an entire season aren’t going to cut it in the second season’s armada. Ralph Webb is solid as a running back, coming off a season with 1,283 rushing yards and 13 touchdowns. But his chances of running away this year are as good as Charles Manson’s, as the offensive line will be a work in progress.

    The defense was solid last season, giving up 24 points per game against bruised opponents. But with star linebacker Zach Cunningham and top pass-rusher Adam Butler moving to richer pastures in the NFL, a commanding performance is highly unlikely. yes vandy fans, just like the stock market, the sec is very good at making sobering corrections. but at least that means that when your team is taking a beating, you’ll still be able to use your favorite cheer for the opposing fans, “it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re going to work for us someday!”

    dishonorable mentions teams from the five power conferences that will underperform by winning four to seven games: arkansas, colorado, georgia tech, indiana, iowa, kentucky, minnesota, mississippi state , missouri, nebraska, ole miss, oregon, pittsburgh, south carolina, texas a&m, ucla, utah, wake forest & West Virginia.

    See also: Colorado Buffaloes 2017 recruiting class full of players coveted by big programs

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