Message from Commissioner: Welcome Back, Jabronis! | Grief Keeper


    I know what you’re thinking. it’s still july. football is far away. We don’t have time to burden ourselves with big fantasy football problems and worries. we should be enjoying the summer. you know, chilling on the beach, camping in the woods, sitting inside and playing fate all day. the important things.

    Reading: Fantasy football commissioner welcome message

    but you’re wrong. football is not far. Football is exactly six weeks away, which means… welcome back to the duel keeper fantasy football league! I’m here to update you on the football game addiction that will dominate the next few months of your life.

    first things first. off-season trading is now online. you can do any player-for-player or player-for-selection trades you want from now on. however, instead of sending it through the website, you tell me, and I’ll keep track of the moves that have been made. I’ll update with a list of which players are on which teams and who owns which draft picks. the deadline for exchanges is August 26 when I go to bed. there is a catch. no trade will become official until both parties have paid their league dues. $60 until then, verbal agreements have no effect, each trade is simply a negotiation until both teams pay their league dues. if the fees are not paid, the trade is ignored.


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    The Guardian deadline is set this year for Thursday, August 13th. Guardians can only be changed if: 1) you have traded. 2) injury emergency 3) totally valid reason that I haven’t thought of yet. I am the judge of what is an emergency and what is valid. If Guardians are not set, they will be blocked for you based on ratings. this includes fenders.

    draft day

    Draft day is set for Thursday, August 27 at 7:00 p.m. m. Although this date is not set in stone, you have a month to plan this. If a lot of people say it’s a bad day, we’ll completely change it. the goal is that everyone can do it. the other goal is not to have to move it. If the 27th is a bad day for you, please let me know ASAP. Aside from special circumstances (again, I’m the judge), auto redaction is not allowed. automatically selected teams will be selected by someone else next season. Do you know what I’m saying?

    league fees

    As usual, league dues are $60 this year. David has been hired as league treasurer because he doesn’t think it’s healthy for me to have full power. if he asks to be called co-commissioner, don’t grant his wish, because he is not co-commissioner. he is treasurer. my subordinate, so to speak.

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    The deadline for league fees is Thursday, August 13. you will notice that this is the same day as the guardians. That’s because there are no fees, which means goaltenders are set based on ratings (consistency!) and the team is locked in until money is received. David is a ruthless treasurer and any complaint can be brought to him. but he has a cold and dead heart and cries of him are likely to fall on deaf ears.

    any questions regarding this, please contact me at any time. my word is law but I rule with love.

    Unfortunately, there is a pressing issue that needs to be addressed. it’s about kai (pictured below).

    as you may remember, kai ended up dead last year. Kai’s punishment for that was to put the Jamarcus Russell(tm) toilet bowl in his house for the entire offseason and the new season until the playoffs. this has not yet been done. it is a very serious fault. the league justice committee (me) is investigating the matter and the punishment will be swift, fair and irreversible. any defense of the infringer will be heard by email, in person or by phone call.

    thank you for your patience as we make the best decision we can.

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