- Deciding to be dominant in the bedroom often means subverting traditional gender roles.
- Professional dominatrices see that all kinds of people want to be dominated.
- you No. no need to invest in handcuffs, whips or ropes to get started. all you need is your words, according to mistress ava zhang, a professional dominatrix based in new york city.
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Not all of us have leadership roles at work, but at some point, we’ve given an order.
We’ve told someone where to sit, where to hang their coat, stop talking and listen. we’ve asked people to bring napkins to our parties, to pick up groceries on the way home, to turn down the thermostat.
Reading: How to dominate women
You may not consider yourself a sexually dominant person, but you’ve probably made things happen by asking for what you want. Have you ever texted someone “come over tonight ;)” and showed up at your door ten minutes later? Did you say “kiss me” and then found yourself kissed?
However, the idea of being dominant in the bedroom, especially for women, can still seem strange as it goes against everything we’re taught. we must be fair, things must be equal, we must take care of the other person, we must make sure that the needs of others are met before our own.
Being dominant in bed doesn’t just mean being on top. it means knowing why you are there and being bold in pursuit of your pleasure.
Professional dominatrixes are the first to scoff at the idea that all men enjoy being dominant in bed and all women enjoy being submissive. they see firsthand that all kinds of people yearn to be taken out of the driver’s seat.
Here’s how to re-examine the idea of taking control in the bedroom, turning the power dynamic in your favor.
domination is not the same as being cruel or mean
“one of the most common misconceptions surrounding a woman who assumes a dominant role is the assumption that she must display cruel behavior towards others, for the sake of her own benefit or pleasure, and without regard for their safety O well”. -be,” said mistress Ava Zhang, a professional dominatrix based in New York City. “That’s not domination, but rather a narcissism bordering on sociopathy.”
taking the initiative in bed does not mean being a sadist or demeaning your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. you simply connect with a powerful side of yourself that was always there and share it with a person who wants to make you happy. it’s about closeness and connection, not cruelty.
“bdsm culture is strongly rooted in ethics, empathy and consent,” said zhang. “The one who assumes the dominant role does not need to force others to submit, but inspires them to do so by showing above all compassion and understanding as befits a moral person.”
You need to understand yourself before you can take on a dominant role
The first step to taking on a more dominant role is to figure out what turns you on. this is easier said than done. we can be ashamed of our desires, we can worry that our partner will laugh or be upset with them.
But there’s a reason the Fifty Shades of Gray books and movies were so successful. people could point to something on a page and say, “That’s cool.” and then show it to his partner.
Think of scenes from movies and books that turned you on and ask yourself why. It may feel weird at first, but it’s normal to wonder if your desires are normal. it’s up to you to accept them as part of who you are and take the next step.
good sex starts with communication
Following signals from mainstream media can also have a downside. good sex in movies is often male-directed, or else it’s a magically equal exchange in which all parties seem to intuitively know what the other wants.
Now that’s fantasy.
The reality is that great sex comes from great communication, but it can be hard to want to talk about what you want. someone has to take the initiative. should be you
Taking dominance with a partner requires the ability to articulate what you want, explain what you like and why.
“Two of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my time as a professional dominatrix is knowing myself and communicating what I want to others. Taking on a more dominant role means having self-mastery and understanding first.” said zhang.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips or ropes
Yes, the things we see on TV and movies can inspire our sexiest thoughts, but they can also be intimidating and keep you from trying things.
Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to invest in kinky gear like handcuffs, whips, and ropes. they are symbolic accessories.
For example, you can use your words to tell your partner not to move. handcuffs can provide an additional layer to the experience.
“Start with some universal concepts by asking your partner if they’re attracted to the following: being teased, delayed gratification, the freedom of not having to decide/think, or just giving them pleasure,” Zhang said. These ideas can inspire any number of playful activities.”
It’s normal to struggle with outdated attitudes about sex roles
we are all prisoners of our upbringing. we have ideas of what people are supposed to do in bed. Even if we consider ourselves progressive, we may still be haunted by outdated attitudes about sex roles.
It’s up to you to examine why you think sex has to be a certain way. if it makes you feel good, great. But if you’re not satisfied and you’re afraid your fantasies will alter your ideas about gender roles in bed, you need to stop and think.
“The mind is the sexual organ and all it really takes to be dominant is to assume the right attitude,” Zhang said. “And remember, a willing and open-minded partner will want to please you.”
lindsay goldwert is a journalist and host of the podcast “spent”. she is the author of bow down: lessons from dominatrixes on how to get all you want (simon & schuster).
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