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    Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Denver Broncos | Defector

    Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people aren’t fans of the Denver Broncos. This preview of the 2022 NFL dropout team is for those in the latter group. read all the previews so far here.

    your team: denver broncos.

    Reading: Why your team sucks broncos

    your 2021 record: a respectable 7-10. there were worse seven-win teams last season (the falcons), so i really don’t know how you can call the 2021 broncos anything other than a hit. He tries to win seven games when he has Teddy Bridgewater and Draw Lock as his quarterbacks. If I had been coaching this team with those two at the helm, you guys would have been good and fucked.

    Not that these broncos were that much fun. You just had your fifth consecutive losing season. you lost a thursday night game against case keenum. you went 1-5 in the division. you spoiled a 3-0 start from the gate. You closed the season with four straight losses. You haven’t had a running back break 1,200 yards since 2004 (reuben droughns!). you traded von miller mid-season after he demanded that his teammates participate in a halloween party he threw at his house (miller would win a super bowl). and this also happened:

    let’s see what drew lock had to say about that sequence!

    “I should have given that thing to Javonte. but also, if I get that thing into the end zone, I make the defensive end miss, who knows what’s being said right now?”

    the man makes a solid point. What if, instead of having the ball ripped out of his hands by some fat guy, Lock had gained the powers of a nightcrawler and simply teleported to the end zone? I bet you would have been pretty impressed if that had happened. what if drew lock urinates 100 percent drinkable country lemonade? think about what people would say then? As you can see, this work was simply a cosmic coincidence that took place only in this universe and not in the other 72 universes that exist. I’d be a fool to jump to conclusions from it.

    Anyway, the Broncos responded to all of this by making Vic Fangio the first head coach to be fired on Black Monday (congrats, Vic!). instead you now have…

    your coach: this guy.

    Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

    Somehow the man you see in the above photo is Paul Hackett’s son and not Paul Hackett’s father. Perhaps in another, better universe, Nathaniel Hackett is a 42-year-old who actually looks like he’s 42 and not like the last living Dixiecrat still serving in Congress. If you’re younger than I am, you can at least have the goddamn courtesy to look the part instead looking like you drink baby blood to stay alive. Hackett comes to Denver after serving as offensive coordinator for the Packers, which only sounds impressive if no one told you that Hackett, prior to his arrival in Green Bay, was the preferred offensive coordinator for Doug Marrone. That’s right: we’re talking about a guy who presided over the vaunted offenses of both the Bortles Jaguars and the Kyle Orton Bills. If you thought this offense needed a laxative a season ago, you ain’t seen shit. Literally.

    hackett was apparently hired to lure a disgruntled aaron rodgers from the western packers. Broncos fans not only expected this, they actively assumed it would happen. we are the broncos! they told everyone. Who doesn’t want to play in Kansas for a team whose owner died three years ago? well, apparently you all were a little too vaccinated for rodgers’ liking, so he was left in the wasteland while you guys desperately tried to save face by trading the world for… kyler murray? ‘I’m afraid not.

    your quarterback: country of the broncos, ride!

    that’s russell wilson, who will be good for two more wins and at least 200 more “look how hard i work” posts. Wilson hasn’t won a Super Bowl in eight years and hasn’t been tolerable in his entire life. he had the worst qbr of his career a season ago. he also posted his first career losing record last year. all his classmates hated him. and before you tell me yes but he drew russ only had trouble last year because his finger pulled brian baldinger i would like you to remember that wilson exacerbated his stigmata injury by coming back a week early and credit his speedy recovery to maintain ray ratto’s sleep schedule.

    nineteen hours a day. sure friend. and he has also had sexual relations with his wife. Likely stories everywhere.

    To acquire Wilson, the Broncos traded two first-round picks, two second-round picks, tight end Noah Fant and defensive tackle Shelby Harris. I just spent the last five years watching this man ply his trade from inside an empty closet. what the hell do you broncos think is going to be any different with this pitiful roster around them? What, do you think the son of one of the worst plays in NFL history will magically remove Wilson’s finger or instantly fix a defense that promises to be one of the worst in the NFL? If you don’t think you’re going to see the immortal brett rypien get emergency playing time next season, well, then I want directions to the dispensary you just visited. Every game Wilson plays this year will play out like that game Peyton Manning was benched.

    news that sucks: congratulations! you have a new owner. one that looks younger than your new head coach!

    Photo by Rick T. Wilking/Getty Images

    When Rob Walton isn’t busy paying his employees exclusively in sugar packets, he’s DRIVIN’ FAST CARS VROOM VROOM.

    while mr. Walton has not personally contributed to the Walton family foundation, he has spent tens of millions of dollars collecting vintage sports cars. Rob Walton’s car collection reportedly includes a Ferrari 250 GTO (selling between $35 and $52 million), a 1965 Shelby Cobra (valued at $820,000), a 1964 Ferrari 250 LM (valued at at $14.6 million), a 1960 maserati t60, a 1958 scarab mki, a 1961 ferrari 250 gt swb (valued at up to $4.1 million), a 1957 ferrari 250 testa rossa (purchased by rob for $12.1 million; one recently sold for $39.8 million).

    credit to the robbery: at least he didn’t buy a fucking truck with all that loot. Rob also brought Condi Rice on board as a striking co-owner. Condi Rice believes that the fact that she likes soccer makes her more relatable than the average war criminal. let her fuck the rice condi with a scud missile.

    On the field, the Broncos signed another Green Bay import in guard Billy Turner. No matter how well Turner plays pass protection, Wilson will still run around the backfield like there’s a nuclear strike imminent. To bolster his pass rush, they also signed Randy Gregory from Dallas. he will be suspended by the time you read this. Also new to D-Line are former Niner DJ Jones and Nik Bonitto. Nik Bonitto sounds like the name of Chicago’s most ruthless bootlegger. Instead, he’s just a jerk from Florida. With the departure of cornerback Bryce Callahan, the Broncos selected Ronald Darby to take his place. That’s right: Ronald Darby is still in the NFL! remarkable. But hey, who needs up-and-coming defensive talent when this guy is your senior defensive assistant?

    [George Michael voice] I’ve waited so long babyNow that we’re friendsEvery man’s got his patienceAnd here’s where mine ends(Photo by NFL via Getty Images)

    [Wooderson voice] That’s what I love about Dom Capers. He gets older, his hair stays the same age. NFL teams now pass Dom Capers along to one another on an annual basis, like he’s a fucking tiki idol they can’t keep in the house for very long or else someone in the family will die in a car accident. How about you guys hire literally anyone else?

    russell wilson unveiled a new “nft-powered” energy drink, which presumably means it takes 58 metric tons of coal to produce one bottle. tim patrick just tore his anterior cruciate ligament. Jerry Jeudy had misdemeanor charges dropped this offseason. Given his playstyle, I’m surprised Jeudy couldn’t launch the charge himself.

    everyone in the front office is still an alcoholic.

    What’s always sucked: Despite having won three Super Bowls since 1997, these fans act like the Broncos haven’t done anything for them. these people are never, ever satisfied. I’ve dated more reasonable people. now his team has an aging quarterback playing in what is by far the toughest division in football, and these fans not only think they have a chance, but the playoffs are assured. a kindergartener has more realistic expectations. meanwhile, denver is a traffic jam and the rest of colorado is an evangelical cult that makes fred phelps look reasonable.

    See also: Steph Curry admits he’d be delighted to reunite with Kevin Durant at Golden State: ‘Hell yeah!’ | Daily Mail Online

    ratto says: rob walton has enough money to buy every nfl team ranked 14th to 31st in net worth meaning he is as powerful as he wants to be despite being the newest guy in the room. normally you have to be a proven reptilian like jerry jones, bob kraft, or stan kroenke, but since walton is the richest guy not only in the nfl but in a clan of waltons that includes kroenke, walton will be quickly sent to the hotline by roger goodell, if that’s your idea of ​​a good time, which it almost certainly can’t be.

    What might not suck: Look how fast Russ can push an empty cart!

    Beware, fellow King Soopers patrons!

    Hear it from Bronco fans!

    eric:

    I’ve never seen a team so fundamentally cowardly in its build.

    ryan:

    I live near walmart headquarters. when rob walton bought the broncos, my parents seriously asked if they were going to move to bentonville. I had to take a moment before answering “no, come on”. I can still end up being wrong.

    zachary:

    denver is just phoenix with a scarier airport.

    sarah:

    Are the broncos really trying to say that the allegations in the brian flores lawsuit are not true? john elway only interviewed flowers because of the rooney rule and then showed up to the interview drunk as shit with all his past behavior.

    matte:

    russell wilson is an idiot and I can’t believe I’m stuck rooting for him for the next decade. everyone wants to act like wilson is the missing piece denver needs when, in reality, we’ve gone from the worst team in the afc west to the second worst team in the afc west.

    we finally got rid of the goddamn bowlen idiot kids trust just to replace them with a walton. that sound you’re hearing is the mile high stadium turning 21 and rob walton wondering how much money he can get out of denver for some new digs that will no doubt be in a much worse location.

    kyle:

    Do you like today’s film culture where almost everything is a repeat of something incredible from 20, 10 or even five years ago? Do you like how that movie is never very good, but still makes quadrillions of dollars and dominates casual conversation? Well, I have a team for you.

    after half a decade of the most insipid under-500 football I’ve ever seen; the broncos have said fuck it, we’re doing a soft reset. sell the rights to a megacorporation that doesn’t give a shit about the product (wal-mart). Find a branded bot star that looks like the guys who came before (Wilson). and putting an up-and-coming young director in charge who is sure to be surpassed by fan expectations (hackett). presto! now, the loss will be at least big and loud and the only thing fans will want to talk about.

    if we lose to the chiefs by just single digits, the entire state will anoint the team as a contender and give wilson a silly western nickname like “the deputy”.

    kevin:

    I was sick of russell wilson before training camp started. he came into town immediately after the ink had dried and began to force us with his schtick of two sparkling clean shoes. He visited Children’s Hospital, threw out the first pitch at a Rockies game, and somehow tried to take credit for the AVs winning the Stanley Cup. I don’t trust any of that. Plus, we give up too much for a QB clearly past his prime.

    The sad part is that he’s probably a legitimately good guy that these psychotic people need. i’m so paranoid after years of disappointment that i don’t trust anyone with a last name other than elway or manning. I’m clearly the idiot here.

    fuck josh mcdaniels with his own visor.

    gigi:

    Watch the faithful Broncos at any sunny Sunday afternoon game in the Mile High City. sure, you’ll see your crew jerseys and some elway throwbacks. a von miller here, an atwater knockoff there, and i’m sure they’ve sold a ton of wilson jerseys. but you know what you’re going to see a lot of? tebow jerseys.

    See also: Alex Ovechkin Stats and News | NHL.com

    ted:

    I’ve gotten so into the cult of our goofy new concussion-promoting quarterback that there are days I forget he was one of the key figures in the worst humiliation of my life against the Broncos. let’s ride

    george:

    russell wilson is working really hard to make “let’s ride” happen. with the power of wal-mart behind him, merchandise will soon be unavoidable.

    glenn:

    Now that the franchise has been bought by walmart heirs, there will be 100 year olds at the turnstiles, second tier discounted soft goods, and players having to cut 5% off their contracts annually.

    zach:

    It’s a 50/50 call whether our fanbase will embrace Russell Wilson because of his Tebow-esque commitment to bland Christian platitudes, or kick him out of town because he’s black.

    drew (not me):

    we lost the rest of von miller’s time in denver to get him traded to la and win a super bowl for stan kroenke. fuck stan kroenke and his ferret full of toupee scabies.

    pat bowlen seemed pretty decent for a billionaire. he did not directly push five-year-olds into coal mines or execute war widows (as far as I know). Now the Broncos are owned by a fucking Walton because the Bowlen family couldn’t play nice and figure out how not to murder the goose that lays the golden eggs. I can’t wait to see stadium employees and training staff get fired for mentioning the word “union” under their breath.

    arthur:

    the nfl’s most insufferable altar boy is colorado’s next great hope, and now i can’t go to the fucking gas station without hearing about the upside russell wilson brings. you could also ask me to support rod flanders. thank you so much assholes.

    sam:

    This fan base considers a 15-yard pattern from tebow to dt (rip) in a divisional playoff game to be the greatest play they’ve ever seen. all credit goes to tebow.

    davis:

    They keep making me rewrite my moral boundaries in bigger ways than all of football already does.

    I’m basically as liberal as you can get for someone in a red western state. I shop local when possible, I support unions, I want bike and pedestrian friendly cities and all that namby-pamby lefty. But when the team was bought by one of the Walmart heirs, I said, “at least he’s not the worst of them.” that statement was not based on anything. I didn’t do any research, I just know, deep down, that only a good person, or at least not the worst person, can own my favorite team. They then announced that Condoleezza Rice was joining the ownership group. well at least she wasn’t the worst bush, jr. cabinet member next thing you know they’re gonna say fucking clarence thomas has joined as special adviser and i’ll be posting here how alito is definitely worse.

    Anyway, I can’t wait to drive to the game and go to one of the now hundreds of boring, corporate, faux denver hipster beer bars/cafes/restaurants that are springing up in every western city worth the worth taking care of about to serve people who used to summer in montenegro but are now here because everywhere else was “too sensitive” about the pandemic. come on broncos!

    eric:

    the monkey’s leg has completely curved. morally we have become the most detestable team on this side of dan snyder. I’m sure our new owner of Walmart Failson will be taking notes from Washington on how to turn a respectable franchise into a stinking mass of rot. no matter how well the 2022 season goes, the clock is ticking. our mighty stallion has a heart full of black mold. the killer is in the house.

    von miller will get his third ring this year. we sold our souls to keep losing to the fucking bosses twice every fall.

    son:

    When I was a little kid in the 80’s, I became a fan of the broncos off the market because their colors were so cool. for new years eve 2006 my wife and i flew to denver to see them play. I had never been to colorado. or an nfl game. this was the gift of a lifetime… and it was a good old fashioned week 17 “win (or tie) and you’re in” matchup. the better-than-average Broncos just needed to beat the shitty 49ers to get that last juicy wild-card spot. they were double-digit favourites. It was a wonderful time to make this first pilgrimage to my personal football mecca. expectations were out of control. I wasn’t mentally prepared for anything bad to happen. San Fran waited until there were two minutes left before kicking the game-winning field goal. my wife is a 49ers fan. When our taxi driver picked us up the next morning, she told us that Darrent Williams was murdered 1/2 mile from our hotel last night. you know what would have been nice? Exactly the same little vacation trip to Denver, but without the broncos part.

    registrations for nfl dropout previews are closed. next: seattle seahawks.

    See also: How long did peyton manning play in the nfl

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